Mental Health: A mirrored world

Three days away from Thanksgiving in the United States. My anxiety is on the rise. It really should not be on the rise with so many things to be thankful for, however that is not always the case. Trying to be Harper is a real struggle on a daily bases. My kids just know me as dad and Harper is normal. My wife is still adjusting the best she can after a year and a half of coming out to her. I believe I have established a new norm for expressing Harper at work. I feel like I can be comfortable at work by wearing a dress or a skirt to work with makeup. I can be Harper in public, in a sense. That has given me some self-confidence and a freeing feeling that really is hard to describe. I have created a world where I can be comfortable being Harper, such a liberating feeling. Then there is another world, the world of reflection of the mirror.

As I continue on this journey, there are days were I look in a mirror and see a face that does fit my perception of who I am and I want to be. I have had to look that that reflection of the mirror on a daily bases for years and have to tell myself that is who I am. My family knows that reflection and that is the only reflection they know. The reflection I don't see myself as anymore. That reflection in the mirror is not Harper. I look at myself from within and see Harper. I can hear Harper's screams that echo like vibration across the walls of a cave. The screams are screams of wanting to be free from the chains of repression and hiding. The screams are screams of not wanting to be trapped in the physical world of maleness. Harper screams for the missing physical features that society identifies as female. The only person that can ever hear these screams is me. Every time I look into a mirror I don't see Harper because I am held by constraints of society to present as male. When I am free to present as female Harper can live but the mirror only reflects so far. That reflection is cast over society that views me not as Harper but as something society drives for a norm. When the mind is opened and shared with someone or some people the mirror begins to crack. Those cracks can be damaging and cause lasting harm; however, those cracks in the mirror can create a new image that is being reflected by another light.

Anxiety is on the rise as the holidays approach. I have anxiety issues as one of my many mental health disorders. This anxiety is building because my two worlds are about to collide. I have a choice to make for the holidays, I could continue to hide who I am and be that reflection in the mirror my family only knows be by or show a form of express of Harper to them. It would be like dipping a toe into the water to test the temperature. Some people might not think this is such a big issue but remember the social norms and sanctions that are imposed if you violate a social norm. My social norm of expression of being Harper is currently have bright pink nails. Nail polish is not something that can be taken off at the end of the day and easily reapplied the next morning for work. My choice is I could remove the pink nail polish for my family Thanksgiving and deny myself of expression of Harper or leave the pink nail polish on for my family Thanksgiving and violate a gender social norm and face the negative informal sanctions by my family. This is what is causing an anxiety attack. It doesn't seem like a major issue but it is. My family doesn't support any kind of my life style by any one in society. This is my struggle and the cause of my anxiety.

This anxiety from my family has been rooted since I was six years old when I first tried that pink dress on. That fun and love of having a dress on only grew over the years and I realized I was very different. I knew that I was very different at a young age, well as far as my memory can serve me. Thats a story for another day. This is about my reflection. My mental health. Anxiety creates tension with my OCD. There is disruption of time in my mind because my conscious begins to focus on the wrong thing or what my mind thinks is the right thing, which is what is causing the anxiety. This is the obsession of the anxiety thought. I know I need to change my focus and keep moving on with my daily life but the thoughts of Thanksgiving weigh on my conscious and unconscious mind. Somewhere the compulsion is disrupted and anger rains down like a thunderstorm. For now I face this dilemma with anxiety raging like a twister in my mind. How do I face my family. Family is always the challenge. Will they be accepting or not. If I know my family I believe them not to be accepting because that is what creating my anxiety and fear of seeing my reflection in the mirror that doesn't represent Harper.

Those that are celebrating I wish you the best because I'm sure there are others out there that get some form of anxiety for any holiday they celebrate. Happy Thanksgiving and be thankful for the little things in your life.