Part 1: Social Norms on Gender

What defines a social norm of a gender? Is it how someone is supposed to act, dress, ones emotions, hair styles, how they speak, their job/career, etc. Those are some very broad areas to define social norms of gender. Society tends to define gender as the sex of male or female; but we know that isn't always the case. Gender can also correspond with a range of identities in society. Society though looks at gender as male or female. This will define how society wants you to act, to be socially accepted. Social norms for girls can be defined by colors at an early age. Pinks, yellow, purple are define as feminine and girly in natural. If you are a girl in society you should be wearing those colors in your clothing so society knows that you are a girl. Lace, skirts, blouses, dresses, leggings, tights, heels are just some of the clothing that are define by society to be feminine and only girls should wear them. Toys also define if you are a girl or a boy at an early age. Girls should be receiving dolls, babies, doll houses, barbies, princess coloring books based on what society states. If a girl get legos for example the legos will be mainly pink and purple in color. Girls shouldn't have trucks, tractors, planes because society has defined those toys as boy toys. Maybe a girl would be interested in playing with trucks and tractors. I know my daughter loves playing with her tractors and trucks as well as her baby dolls.

Social norms for a boy can be defined by the colors of blue, red, green. Boys need to wear these colors in society so society can identify you as a boy. Can gender really be created by just color alone? Like I said about girls clothing style, boys clothes are collared shirts, pants, t-shirts, sweatpants, maybe a tie for a formal occasion. Boy toys are trucks, planes, tractors, dinosaurs, superheroes. Boys playing with dolls are violating social norms of gender. Children don't know that at birth what defines gender, it simply comes from association and how parents and society defines it.

Children used to be dressed in dresses. Boys and girls both wore dresses. It wasn't until the 1940's that the color scheme for boys and girls were defined as blue and pink. Pink started as a boy color and blue was for girls. The 1940's changed that concept and girls were dressed in pink and boys in blue. Like I said before color isn't the only way to define gender and the social norms behind it. I have been mentioning clothing as well. If boys and girls wore dresses as babies, when did that become a defining aspect that boys couldn't wear dresses? Once again that came during the 1940's, when the color of gender was defined. Baby outfits were defined by color for the gender of the baby instead of just baby clothes. This has become the social norm that boys shouldn't wear dresses now. Dresses are not masculine and society views boys and men wearing dresses as a violation of the social norm of clothing for gender. Only girls are supposed wear dresses, thats the social norm of society. Girls for a long time weren't able to wear pants because that made the girl to masculine. This was seen as socially unaccepted or a negative informal sanction. Over time that concept changed after WWII. Women began to wear more pants in social setting but dresses and skirts still defined women's clothing. Pants wear still seen a masculine because pants were associated with men working in society.

During the 60's and 70's women began wearing more pants in public and this created a social norm change for woman. Women wearing pants in society went from a violation of a social norm to a positive informal sanction. Women's clothing has changed and has become more socially accepted in society. Men's clothing has stayed constant with wearing pants, suits, ties, polos, button collar shirts. Men being able to wear a dress or any other feminine defined clothing is not socially accepted. Why is that? Is it because of how we define gender and what is masculine verse feminine?

I have struggle with this gender norm my whole life. What defined me was the clothing for being denied clothing I preferred. At the 6 six I tried on my first dress. It was pink and white dress, that my mother had stored in the basement. I wasn't my choice to wear the dress but had to put the dress on because I lost the game my siblings and I were playing. I put the dress on and fell in love with it. Twirling around in the dress was so fun. It felt freeing and so comfortable and natural. I expressed this to my siblings on how much I liked wearing a dress. Well my sister told my mother and my mother told me dresses are for girls and boys don't wear dresses. I was crushed at the time. Little did I know what changed for me that day as my gender role in society was being defined how I was being raised. It wasn't until my teenage years I dressed in girls clothes in private when no one was home. I really had no one to talk to about this because I was always told that it was not right for boys to wear girls clothing. I knew something was different about me but I just didn't know what. I felt trapped in my gender role as a boy but also felt shamed for wanting to fit my desired gender role of a girl because of my up bringing.

I hid this "cross dressing" from everyone and my desire to be a girl. I was always in conflict with my male gender role. I tried painting my nails a few times but would quickly remove the nail polish because I didn't want to be caught. I didn't understand it at the time but reflecting on it now, seeing girls my age wearing makeup or a pretty dress to a formal dance I could never really look at the girls because deep down my desire was jealously that I couldn't be wearing a pretty dress. I was stuck in a nice shirt with a tie or a tux to a formal dance. I did everything to not let people in because they might find out what I truly desired. I dated a girl in high school and when we would play truth or dare jenga I would know where the swap clothing piece was. By the end of the game I would have her clothes on and she would have mine on. It was my out to express that is what I desired, wearing girls clothing. She never caught on but I was always the happiest at that moment. Of course I made sure I didn't let on to much that she would figure it out. Same thing happened when I was dating my wife at the time. My wife dressed me a punk rock mini mouse and I went into public dressed as a girl. I dropped hints that I really enjoyed having makeup on and would love to be dressed up again. My wife never caught on.

For so many years I had to fit the male gender role but that wan't me. It wasn't until 2020 that I finally told my wife of my desire and liking of wearing women's clothing. Later on I also expressed to her my desire I have had my whole life to be a girl growing up. It is not easy to redefine my gender role in society. So many people know me in my gender role as a male but only a few know me as my female gender role. Only recently have I started to wear more women's clothing to work. Its finding comfort in the work place and having the confidence in ones self to take the steps to show a different side to people. Breaking gender roles of clothing takes some time. At first what I noticed was people questioned why I was wearing a dress or skirt to work. This violated the social norm I created prior to me wearing dresses or skirts to work. It also violates the social norm of men wearing dressed in public. After a few weeks of 1 or two days of doing my makeup or wearing women's clothing to work the comments slowly became less. I had to get past the initial shock from everyone. This was abnormal behavior but now it has become the norm for me to wear a dress or skirt once or twice a week. Sure it can still be a little uncomfortable to walk into work in a dress but it fits me better than always wearing male clothes. Breaking gender roles for me is a slow processes. Wanting be the woman I have desired to be for years is a slow process of opening up to people and society. For now I just need to embrace being Harper.