Mental Health: Dark storm coming

I stand staring into the sky of darkness with roars of thunder and lightning seen and heard in the distance. I could start running from the darkness and the storm but I don't think I will be able to out run this storm. I find myself mesmerized by the storm that is approaching but can not move or escape it. The sky begins to turn gray but all I have to do is turn around and head to the sunny blue skies. My feet feel like they are anchored to the prairie. The tall prairie grass whoosh back and forth with a slight breeze. As I stand the breeze only becomes stronger. Large dark thunder could form. There is no more light in the direction I am facing. This storm blots out the sun and creates night amongst the day. How can I prepare myself for this storm. A glance behind me and I see the blue skies becoming further and further away. I reach out my arm in hopes that will draw the blues skies back to me. I scream but no one can hear me. The storm drowns out my screams for help. Will anyone be able to help me? A cold chill hits my body as I become scared. What will become of me. The storm rages on like a violent anger burst. Blue skies become faint and that happiness and calmness seems out of reach. The fear is over taken me. I have lost all control of my surroundings. Panic sets in as I become overwhelmed with the darkness. Its only a matter of time when the heavy rains will begin to soak me like the heavens are crying. I will be there all alone soaked, cold, dark only hoping will I get through this.

Rains begin to fall and I need to start running but its raining harder and harder that stuns my mind to not move. The field becomes mud and its impossible to lift my feet to keep moving. I fall to me knees because I can't lift my feet out of the mud. I struggle more and more to get up but my hands just sink into the mud. Im trapped. Rain pelts by my back and head. It almost stings as it comes down so hard. I begin to cry as all hope seems lost. I can't move in the mud. The rain is heavy. The wind is strong. I shiver in coldness and darkness. What is going to happen to me. When will this storm pass and can I survive.

Does anyone else feel like this when it comes to your mental health? My mental health is a daily struggle. Im sure in some way shape and form everyone has some mental health issue(s), its just a matter how one might process things or how severe their mental health is. Mental health is considered a taboo subject in society. We don't like to talk about it as well as society might classify people with mental health as weak individuals. Once again this is society putting sanctions on people and mental health. People in society like to keep society functioning (structural function theory or functionalism) as is and smoothly. Society and people do not want to disrupt how society functions. This in turn would cause conflict in society (social conflict theory). Talking about mental health issues is conflict theory. For example when someone asks how are you doing or hows your day going; the normal response from people is I'm good, ok, fine, great. However, how many people are actually that and how many actually have some issues that they really need to talk to some about but don't. People don't want to hear about the issues someone else has because they have their own issues they are dealing with.

It took me years to admit I had some major mental health issues and seek out professional help. My wife really pushed me to seek help because my issues were becoming a problem. Little did I know it at the time this would open a flood gate of emotions and issues I have been repressing and not dealing with in a health manner. It isn't easy for anyone to admit they have a problem let alone then talk about it. One of the reasons for creating my blog was having an opportunity to open up and share with society about my issues and maybe get a different perspective from others as well as a place for others to share their thoughts about the topics I post.

The only way to start the healing process or understanding the mental health one is living with is opening up and talking/sharing their issues. The hardest thing to do is the first step, and that is admitting their is a problem. For me it was admitting I have anger issues that I needed professional help with. After I finally admitted I needed help because I couldn't live like this anymore, I found a therapist that I could trust and share my thoughts, feelings and mental health issues. My anger has been consuming me for years, and when I mean years, I mean rooting back to my teenage years or longer. The problem is where would I begin with my anger management. My anger was causing severe depression with some suicidal thoughts attached. It was like a snowball that would not stop rolling. I would get mad and angry, then I would get depressed because I was so angry. My depression was caused by extreme remorse and shamefulness of my behavior of being angry but I could never learn from my behavior. Even to this day I still struggle with my anger issues but I believe I have made some progress since I started Therapy in 2020. I would then get angry because I was so depressed. This cycle just would continue until my depression became so low I would start having those suicidal thoughts. I have never acted on those thoughts but the fact that I have had them needs to be recognized.

Living with anger management, depression and suicidal thoughts is only part of the mental health disorder I live with. While talking with my therapist we discovered I have OCD (obsession compulsion disorder). If I can't complete my compulsion (whatever it might be and it could be anything) it would come out as anger. Trying to balance and keep my OCD in check is extremely hard. I struggle with it all the time. Speaking of time, I have realized time is part of my OCD. My obsession of time and completing things in a timely manner only contributes to the obsession and compulsion. My brain operates in a numerical sequences. My brain is processing everything I do to the minute it takes to complete something. If I can't complete it in that time I get upset and angry. Disruption of time in my obsession is also an issue. My compulsion is to complete it but I can't because now my thing is going to take longer to complete so I have to recalculate and I get upset and angry. The next issue is I'm always looking for something to do. I have to keep busy so my mind is occupied with doing something so I can calculate it out. This is a vicious cycle that I can not break. I am glad I can finally recognize my mental health disorders but that still doesn't make it any easier in my life.